Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
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I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.