Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
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An owl showing some catlike behavior.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
My diet starts in January
of 2027
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..