Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
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as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.