Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.

Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?

charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not

Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.

Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.

*chases cat around the house with a lint roller

cop: show me your hands

dahmer: *opens fridge*

I highly suggest that you do not google that term.

I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”

People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs

You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship

Me: I could really use a hug rn.

Bear: …okay.

Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.

Me: I let my guard down.

Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.

cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian

cute girl 2: i’m a vegan

me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable

I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it

When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.

*throws nickel at grandpa*

I need more magic ear money.

Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”

Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:

Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.