Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.

My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.

My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.

WTF. I was looking right at her.

WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*

A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.

[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis

biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?

I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”

Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.

“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest

Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.

The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.

Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work

Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.

It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.

“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”

My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.

Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading

Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.

Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.

Him: I’m an English teacher

Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes

I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.