Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.

He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.

doctor: how often do you exercise

me: does sex count

doctor: yes

me: twice a day

doctor: with other living ppl?

me: why would you specify living

doctor: just answer

me: no I don’t exercise

[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]

karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]

Shoo shoo! 😂

My heart hurts when you’re not around

*buuurrrrpp*

Never mind

“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.

One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy

Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.

My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.

[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat

If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.

Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145

If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:

1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”

They inhale deeply…

Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer

BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise

For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it

There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

Girl, same.

[first day as a doctor]

me: we need to amputate your son’s leg

mother: i want a second opinion!

me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually

mother: no, another doctor

another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite

[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg

stormtrooper: *sighs*