To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
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[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Caller: Is Mr. Rock available?
Me: Yeah, hold on.
*hands phone to 5yo*
Me: It’s grandma, buddy. Tell her about Caillou.
Sorry I threw rice at the coffin. I don’t get invited to much.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead