@joeljeffrey

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

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@garrydavenport

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

@fro_vo

[me on Ellen}

Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions

Me: that’s right Ellen

@LizHackett

Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

@BlindChow

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

@ItsAndyRyan

Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this

Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog

@karlainvt

If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.

@TheMichaelRock

Caller: Is Mr. Rock available?

Me: Yeah, hold on.

*hands phone to 5yo*

Me: It’s grandma, buddy. Tell her about Caillou.

@MikeMcNeil_

Sorry I threw rice at the coffin. I don’t get invited to much.

@AndrewChamings

bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?

me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting

@EndhooS

“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead