Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

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*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals


My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.


*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this


8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!


I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people


I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.


Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher


*First day as a missing person*

Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.


I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.