Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
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Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is