Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.

Really bad spell of wether.

can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point

It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.

This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.

uh oh

I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead

My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.

As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.

Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*

If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.

[restaurant]

BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]

DATE: Are you okay?

THE HULK: I’ve been better.

Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?

Me: sure what time?

Them: 8:30

Me: *laughs in over 40*

Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”

It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.

Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?

90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.

If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something

When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact

the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!

Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne

Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand

Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away

*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.

[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park

*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*

you guys headed down to the pawnshop?