Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.

Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!

Your mother has terrible taste in children.

Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????

Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*

me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up

POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.

[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?

Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.

Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.

Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot

“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”

Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.

The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.

If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.

It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?

ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…

{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station

WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.

ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative

If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun

You need to let shit go.

~ Buddha

The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.

Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.

they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems

Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.

walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros