ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
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“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Choosing the correct font is crucial…
Just as the prophecy foretold
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Thank you 🥹
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure