Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they say humans share 50% of their DNA with the banana. for some of you i think that number is even higher

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

*bites zombie*

Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would

Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet

Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.

The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.

Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.

Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.

Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*

Priest:

Me:

Priest: Look she might come back

me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in

her: it says volvo on it

4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?

Me: That’s an oddly specific question.

4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4

*getting kidnapped

Me: Thank you.

#polloftheday

My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens

Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs

I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater

Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?

Me: uh no

WCD: how about moomoo?

Me: can I have something in between?

WCD: no can do

Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.

Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.

Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!

Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.