ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
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Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL