ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
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First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”