Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.

Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one

When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.

a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.

If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.

There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.

How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.

MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy

ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!

It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?

Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?

Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community

me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain

You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.

This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.

Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK

There are two rules in life:

1) Never give out all the information.

I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.

the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?

Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣

Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.

It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.

Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!

Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.

me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster

The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.

If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?

We could all be hibernating right now but noooooo we have to be “adults” with “responsibilities”

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf