Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds

Me: 46 and out of shape

Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket

My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.

Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up

Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?

W: Oddly specific but yes

Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry

interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans

Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??

Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.

Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”

My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.

Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.

My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord

ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile

HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok

Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.

No, YOUR illiterate.

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

Mistakes were made

Dear All,

During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.

Yours truly,
Psychiatrist

Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏

Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.

Hey I worked for it too!

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks

[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely

I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.

If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.

Murderer: What are you in for?

Her: Licking ice cream.

Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.

I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.