me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
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Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Me too door. Me too.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Good boy 😂😂
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.