me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
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I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Love this one 😂🧟
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?