me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
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Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.