me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
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“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Rather alarming headline…
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this