Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.

You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.

Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?

Please tell me I’m not alone on this.

The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together

“I’m gonna call it a day.”

– God, naming things

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

Good morning, Twitter 😊

You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.

Churches be like pew pew pew

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”

[bean naming]

Angel: okay, this one?

God: it’s black, so black bean

A: and this?

G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!

A: k, and this one?

G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!

A: … dude, you alright?

I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down

[dinner negotiations]

Wife: where do you want to go to eat?

Me: ugh

Wife:

Me: you pick

Wife: I’m craving kale

Me: I’ll pick

Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle

excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces

the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines

I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.

Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter

Not all heroes wear capes….

I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else

me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!

son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”

ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?

HIM: Beers

ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.