I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
You Might Also Like
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.