Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.

#CarrotDay

BOSS: how was your weekend?

ME: oh man i got so high

BOSS: it’s against company policy-

ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon

BOSS: oh, haha well then-

ME: then the edibles kicked in

My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”

Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard

A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”

I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.

This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.

GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me

Her Friend: How do u know

GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars

[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]

ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell

Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.

You’re welcome…

Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.

Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?

Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.

Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?

“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”

[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]

ME: Thank you all for coming

37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?

(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city

[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”

Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine

Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.

I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.

Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket

there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball

Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?

“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?

SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

*getting murdered*

Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert

thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?

Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE