Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
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> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
me and who
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.