Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run

me: *nodding* no more running, got it

[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!

American recipes are litch like

•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste

10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex

Daughter: He found a garter snake

Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-

Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt

Mom: Damn it

*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.

Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.

Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.

Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….

Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.

Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard

-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night

The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave

Kill it with fire!

*douses it in hot sauce*

Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.

ㅤ

I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers

*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”

[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really

Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”

My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”

*decorating the tree*

6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.

(True)

For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.