Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

Put my back out twerking in the library again

9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.

Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.

9 yo: MOM

2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.

PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”

ME: “31.”

P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”

M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.

“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block

My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.

*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions

I’m never leaving this app.

“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”

See? My son can turn water into whine, too.

Your move, God.

Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.

Can I tell her? Pleeease.

Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received

My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”

I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.

Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!

Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.

Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!

Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired

You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.

Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers

Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.

I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff

“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms

Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.

There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.