Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile

If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.

My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.

*Someone compliments me*

Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.

*trimming my nose hair in the mirror

You sexy beast.

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep

Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore

You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.

Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long

My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.

I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it

Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no

I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings

Ron is short for Aaronald

People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.

I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.

It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother

FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always

CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

Simple

cop: [pointing at me] he with you?

him: never seen him before

me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together

I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension

“Are you mad at me?”

No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????

[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”

[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station

best first i’ve ever seen

I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.