Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eating for two.

All right stop, coagulate and thicken

Tell me you get it…🤣

Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.

Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant

Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes

My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful

Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”

gf: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i act like i know everything?

gf: yea-

me: i knew it

tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist

me: no I just hate running

UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please

My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

Classic German Shepherd 😂

You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here

Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.

Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord

The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.

Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8

Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.

An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.

co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]

therapist: so, what do you say when she says that

me: you sound like your mom

therapist: 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.

No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.

Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs

I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then