ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
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The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
I love the honesty
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Stop being racist to kettles.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs