Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.

Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks

Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”

The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*

I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”

ME: Tell me my future.

PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.

ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!

People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?

[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this

turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.

My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed

1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe

There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.

them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable

trader joe: make the lanes even narrower

them: done

tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots

them: you got it

tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..

therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?

me: I’m afraid I am

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.

I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.

Little known fact:

Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.

I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end

This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting

Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.