Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
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*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope
Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.