Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.

Life is fair, people are not.

If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.

me: our first night as man and wife

bride: you know what that means 😉

me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this

bride: what

me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel

spouse: why

me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.

My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”

i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader

The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.

My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move

– a parenting memoir

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’

Me: what will you trade me for my Soul

Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA

Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.

I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves

[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier

The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.

my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs

😂

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.

Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.

Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.

[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit

Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.

North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons

“Don’t ask.”

Oh. I wasn’t even listening.

When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.

I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.