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one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
u spoke cat all this time??????
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay