Me: “I can’t find your phone.”
Her: “Call it.”
Me: “Here, phone!”
Her: “I hate you.”

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If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.


A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt

day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt


Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.


*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*

Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous


We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet


Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes

Mom: let’s not talk like that

Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes


Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point


Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad