Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode

a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet

Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.

Eating my way out of the ball pit.

when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom

I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis

hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat

My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her

It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!

*silence*

Todd the snail: This is bullshit

*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*

A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

Don’t you just love arts and crafts?

Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.

Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.

We told you to stop at 2012

– the mayans

My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family

Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe

I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.

Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*

Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.

You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.

me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights

her: “that’s not true”

text from Beth: that’s not true

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.

15: Ok

Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.

15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.

[renovating house]

ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?

I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.

the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food