Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.

HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*

2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it

I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing

So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns

ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.

HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?

ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*

I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.

[My son’s 1st day of school]

ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast

TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now

Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.

6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher

Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?

6: Chick-fil-A

I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.

ME: you look great tonight

DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime

ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here

(Vegan zombie)

“Mmmm ….. grains”

Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?

Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.

Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?

WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.

My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.

[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?

me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark

Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.

carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*

Me: So I’ll see you Friday?

Friend: I can’t wait!

Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT

dream blunt rotation

My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”

I sent one back saying “who’s this?”

*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed

in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down

*internal alarm…awakens at 6am

*presses nose

*sleeps 9 more minutes

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!

Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work

Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun

I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”

A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.