Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.

My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining

My 10yo: but not pouring

Me: and the old man is not snoring

6yo:

10yo:

Me:

6yo: YOU’RE an old man

Me: 😑

Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.

You can’t make me breathe heavy.

You aren’t a flight of stairs.

jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁

COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis

Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000

Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024

Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

This cat looks like Wilford Brimley

when she block me on everything

“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park

Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*

my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.

If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.

I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle

If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….

Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.

ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*

MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?

ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships

The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.

me: i can’t remember my password

my brain: how about an embarrassing memory

We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups

No one:

Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?

GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”

GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”

A chocolate advent calendar is a test of restraint that I simply do not have

I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand