Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lmao😭🤣

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live

I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.

Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart

Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute

Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.

Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.

[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?

hamster: no

In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.

what’s the point then??

hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list

Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.

I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol

Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?

Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:

🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT

*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*

Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

Me: *taking an art appreciation class*

Instructor: Please bring my students back

me: my father shall hear of this

them: is he powerful and wealthy?

me: no we’re just close

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”

It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer

Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.

me: family! regale me with tales of your day!

5: good

2: yes

hubs: same

gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!

England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.

ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.

THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.

ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

May you never lose your sense of wonder.

4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!

Me: Aw thank y-

4: because you’re round

Me: …

4: and plumpy

Me: go to your room

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again

Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks