Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[In car, headed to store]

7: What’s wrong, Mommy?

Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.

[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]

Me: *scratches*

7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.

Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.

It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!

oh u like me? name 5 meds i take

fun fact: nike is short for nichael

REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho

[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.

Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.

jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again

i mean good morning

What is a Sherpa?

“Let me summit up for you.”

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*

“Wait, if you’re here then that means”

*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*

I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?

Shout out to my kids.

BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.

toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.

welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.

Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.

People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”

I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.

A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”

“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”