Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
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can’t catch a break
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
we all know this pain all too well
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
No.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
How to wake up a Beagle
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat