Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.

The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.

Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.

How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?

At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.

The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.

Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.

[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.

I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.

Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.

~inventor of cereal bags probably

“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.

I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.

More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.

People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.

To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.

My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors

People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting

Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.

I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.

Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.

My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.

[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep

Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.

I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…

Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.