Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
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If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Is this a threat?
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
I put the dance in “Good riddance!”