Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
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I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
live long and prosper!
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
wtf is an acronym
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.