Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
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Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free