Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
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I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.