Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.

I’m not crazy.

I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?

Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha

Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha

one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs

A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

Just did a big green poo by a canal

Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.

My wife: “Do you even like writing?”

Me: “I like having written.”

I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan

[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]

Me: lol buddy…

I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.

need a new bf mines broken 😐

If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

[lying in bed]

Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women

ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!

I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.

8-year-old: Who’s coming over?

Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.

8: But we already know we live like this.

If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”

They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.

Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.

I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb