Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ

me: ever heard of quasimodo

him: doesn’t ring a bell

me: i assure you he does

I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!

I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.

one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man

Me as a news anchor:

an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.

As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here

A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.

Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter

Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-

Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?

I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today

Her: did you give the dog alcohol?

Me: no, why? Is he acting weird

Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled

TRUE STORY

Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.

My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*

My Wife… The Bargain Hunter

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good

*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach

“Your rescue request is very important to us…”

“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened

A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.

I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.

Just trust me on this one.

Signed,

Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.

Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.

It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.

It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire

I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.

What kind of a cult is this?

[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.