Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

I just had a near death experience

Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT

Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.

Do you believe in life after love?

-Me as a Cher-apist

Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live

cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course

cop:

me: but not u

Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.

Autocarrot sucks!

Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.

These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.

[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what

Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?

Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.

⚰

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?

I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th

Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.

Just say no

Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.