Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
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Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
🔦🌙👣
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam