ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
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if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
jesus christ confetti not now
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs