Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

where do you see yourself in five years?

Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.

when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts

Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?

Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.

Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.

Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button

–cats

How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?

jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!

“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market

If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.

Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.

ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are

ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope

Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.

Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?

Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.

cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it

dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me

idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them

does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything