Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician

Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?

I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”

Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.

just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?

I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.

Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.

sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”

Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary

*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?

Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?

Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.

I know this now.

*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.

“We will wed,” I threatened

Jail

Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.

I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.

*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo

When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.

Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*

My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭

Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?

*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*

[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa

They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.