Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..

Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”

the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister

Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.

its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad

I put the I in Insufferable.

You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.

80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”

if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco

Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch

A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.

Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”

If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.

The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.

Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.

Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.

Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)

Her: You need to multitask better

Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone

Her: That’s goo-

Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else

A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.

Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing

[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]

Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.

[quietly dies a little inside]

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

date: are u a tender lover?

me: more of a dino nugget guy