Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work

Me: How was school?

Toddler: Candice has a different mom.

Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.

(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!

Courtroom:

Me: … Well this is embarrassing

Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.

Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

Me: I’m not paranoid.

Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?

A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.

i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or

Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?

Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear

Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait

Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house

Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?

Asking for a friend. x

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside

Her: you mean bees?

[loud thud on the window]

Me: get the gun

Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!

Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?

Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.

me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

“Whoa nice car”

Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels

[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

is frankincense just very honest incense?

Survivor: The Dryer Edition.

Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.

“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]

Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…