Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
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How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.