me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
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My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
“what the fuck could you possibly be doing on the roads at 3am on a monday morning” me, to other cars, while I am also on the roads at 3am on a monday morning
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that