me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
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*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?