me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
You Might Also Like
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
FRED: right
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
From Facebook just now…
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.