Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[outside of bank]

Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!

Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!

Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.

i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about

People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

8: I wrote my list for Santa

Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?

8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?

Me: perfect

not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we

[Spills wine]

“My medicine!!”

This is deadly serious:

Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”

There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.

There are 233 today.

There will be *5,000* in a week

TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.

Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.

Sincerely,
Women

I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.

I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?

I decided against all those options and took the ticket.

Real bees work best

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed

This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob

*releases swarm of killer wasps*

– ATTACK!

*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*

– Hmm… time for plan bee

a wizard dating app called bumbledore

everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!

(my loneliness is paralyzing)

ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world

WAITER: Yes

ME: My compliments to the chef

I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face

Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?

grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not

(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)

I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad