me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
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If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Employees must applaud the planets.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya
I have never related to a cat more
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.