Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
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So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement