Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?

Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm

Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.

Dear Diary—

Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”

Always…

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.

Really bad spell of wether.

I needed a laugh this morning.

I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

I’m giving up ice.

Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread

Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.

ME: Is this chicken cooked?

WAITER: Why do you ask?

ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.

Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.

5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?

Me: 22.

Wife: How many with witnesses?

Me: Almost 1.

Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed

“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.

kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter

[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.