Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly

9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do

The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…

I’m gonna miss that baby…

We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.

friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

me: I don’t know and I don’t care

If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.

[first date]

him: what’s the one word that best describes you?

me: I’m acerbic

him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia

me: no it means I have a sharp tongue

him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair

Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility

that they were seeing Space Jam.

hardest line in real life

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”

I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.

Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.

My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.

Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.

There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.

If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper

Barber: Do you want to see the back?

Me: Sure

*2 minutes later*

Barber: So, this is the staff room.

just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father

“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.

I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious

[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate

Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!

Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.

There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.

Me: I’m going to poop

Dog: Great I’m coming with you

ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?

Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing

Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it

Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.

PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”

SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween

dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work

kid: i didn’t-

dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother