Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates

before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted

How to become a Saint

1: Become Catholic

2: Live an exemplary and pious life

3: Perform at least two miracles

Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby

I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka

How to woo a woman

[fancy restaurant]

me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?

moth date: [shrugs]

Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.

Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.

6yo: You’re grounded.

Me: Okay.

6yo: FOREVER!

Me: Thank you.

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.

My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.

[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.

Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows

Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.

Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently

“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”

Me: Um, brooding real hard.

I have a joke about trickle down economics.

99% of you won’t ever get it.

i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.

Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.

i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things

If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost

Age 15: kids are stupid

Age 25: kids are stupid

Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid

whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”

All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself