Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.

Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.

Is it because I’m brown??

My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’

ALL week.

Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”

[laying in bed]

Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback

Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine

When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly

I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.

Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week

My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears

It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer

My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked

GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!

ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something

364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today

[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?

Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.

When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.

The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.

I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.

6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

I’m sorry but I strongly disagree

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.

[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*

[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.

I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?

If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go

Lube but for my dry humor.