Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
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Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
that colleague who touches your screen
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.