Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
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My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
just gave your address to some spiders
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer