Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
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My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
😾
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now