Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.

when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts

Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?

Victor Frankenstein: No.

[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now

I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket

Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa

💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?

When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.

I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank

My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.

Sign: Drive like your kids live here!

Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*

Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf

Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”

Me: “ok”

Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”

Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit

*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*

“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”

cow = cattle

farmer = cattler

rennet = catalyst

*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me

you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich

{bedazzling my new tee shirt}

DO NOT RESUSCITATE

Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

The Roman Empire: was not built in one day

The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes

shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

Are these fish:

A. A different species

B. The same species

C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related