Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.

[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me

Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!

Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?

AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”

M: 😏

AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.

My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?

Me: Is that water or vodka?

Him: Vodka.

Me: Empty.

One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.

I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.

He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.

There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.

Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings

PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.

ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

No one on the face of the planet:

Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.

What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans

my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*

My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.

me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*

my mom: WHAT THE HELL!

Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?

Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?

Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass

{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.