Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”

Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.

Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish

Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart

british sex workers really pound for pound

Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now

I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.

I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.

Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*

Boss: stop damaging the office walls!

Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.

Jumps into shower

Shower : I have a boyfriend

Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

Never mess with a drunken pig.

I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.

Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.

I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself

imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…

my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?

When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.

I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.

When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.

Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?

Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.

Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this

Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords

I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”

Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎